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Thursday, July 19, 2012

Stupid Is And Stupid Does: Time Once Again For A Smackdown At The Dept. Of Nance!

What with my wine cellar and my Retirement, I find that I have strayed from one of my Original Missions here at the Dept., that being to Smack Down Some Stupid from time to time.  Let me assure you that This Time Has Come, and while I'm not nearly as viciously ready as I have been in the past (even though it is an Election Year), there is plenty of Abject Idiocy clamouring to be clobbered.  Here we go:

1.  Starting Small:  Yesterday was our wedding anniversary (#31) and Rick and I went to a wine bar for appetizers and drinks.  They have a nice atmosphere and some delicious lamb sliders.  Anyway, since I never eat sweets there, I never saw this on the menu, till last night:
Poor Mickey!
I don't want to give up on this place, but you know my policy.  Plus, how do you spell words like "caramel" and "chevre" and "arugula" correctly, but not "mousse?"  Especially when it's another thing entirely, like a small, furry animal? Someone should at least be smacking himself...on the forehead.

2.  Giving The Rest Of Us A Bad Name:  It's bad enough that the word "blogger" is ugly to say, hear, and even look at.  It sounds like swampy old oatmeal or something. And thanks to the stereotype of ruthless and/or jobless Internet addicts who sit hunched over a screen in a basement while launching scurrilous rumours worthy of Faux News personalities intent on damning the Democrats or finding evidence of Jesus/Ronald Reagan in an order of Clams Casino, we all get the bad rap.  Case in point:  NEO's own Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Connie Schultz was contacted via email by a conservative blogger who was "doing an expose on journalists in the elite media who socialize with elected officials they are assigned to cover" and wanted her comment regarding how she seemed to be cozying up to Ohio's Senator Sherrod Brown, who is running for re-election. 

(Brief digression here:  Look, given the chance, I would cozy up to Sen. Brown in a heartbeat. I adore Sherrod Brown.  Back many years ago, my sister Patti and I considered a campaign wherein we would offer to sleep with Sherrod Brown in order to convince him to run for Governor.  I am not kidding.  Then, Patti told me...well, wait a minute...)

Ms. Schultz emailed back, and I quote: "I am surprised you did not find a photo of me kissing U.S. Sen. Sherrod Brown so hard he passes out from lack of oxygen. He's really cute.  He's also my husband.  You know that, right?"

(...and that's why Patti and I ended our campaign.  As an avid reader and admirer of Connie Schultz, we could not, in good conscience, pursue our strategy. I still love Sherrod Brown.  When ads for his opponent come on and urge me to call Sen. Brown's office to bitch about something he purportedly did, I instead call and say wonderful things. I really do.  EVERY TIME.  And I tell them why.)

Back to The Stupid.  The only scandal here, Conservative Blogger, is that you are too damn dumb to USE THE GOOGLE.  Now put down that Starbucks, wipe those Cheeto crumbs off your face, and let me smack ya.  ;)

3.  Le Bullshit.  Holy crap, could you not be any more nauseated by the sophomoric petulance of...oh, pretty much everyone when they saw that Our Sacred American Olympians would be wearing OhMyGOD a BERET!?  I mean, what on earth was Ralph Lauren thinking?  That is a French Hat!  A Goddamned chapeau!  This is AMERICA last time I checked!  We wear HATS.  NO ONE IN THIS WHOLE EFFING COUNTRY WEARS SOME FRENCH-FRIED WUSS HAT LIKE

US Army Special Forces
Oh.

But those hats were made in CHINA!  WE EXPECT OUR OLYMPIANS TO WEAR OLYMPIC UNIFORMS MADE IN AMERICA.  WE ARE AMERICANS.  WE WANT OLYMPIC UNIFORMS MADE IN...

2002 US Team Uniforms
Oh, yeah.  Canada.  Well, at least they're in North America. 

Point is, What a bigass lot of grandstanding over something that, in the final analysis, means little.  (How about the fact that ONE beret costs 55 bucks and ONE men's blazer $795?)  If the American People want to get jazzed about something Of Vast Importance, certainly there are a myriad of things far more worthy of their distress.  I know I can think of about, oh, eleventy hundred of them, not the least of which is the fact that the republicans keep bitching about Jobs Jobs Jobs, yet they keep trying to legislatively crawl up my vagina and into my uterus as if they are going to somehow find them there.  Take it from me, Speaker Boehner and Candidate Mittens, many people, including my husband and several Medical Professionals have been there both officially and recreationally, (not in that order), and THERE ARE NO JOBS THERE.

Glad I could clear that up for you.  Consider yourselves both enlightened and smacked.

My!  That was invigorating!  Why oh why did I wait so long?  What do you think?  Or who has been languishing on your list?

11 comments:

  1. Freaking hilarious post and right on the money, as usual! I was truly laughing out loud and then had to read it to everyone in my house! Thanks again, love your blog.

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  2. I've been laughing about the Connie Schultz thing - I read it on the face book (I follow Connie AND Sherrod on there - and I can call them that because we're FRIENDS - ha!). I also like that they post pictures of their puppy, Franklin. I don't blame you & Patti - Senator Curly is awfully cute.

    I am SO glad you cleared up the job business - because if there WERE jobs there I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't want one.

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  3. Is the Defender of The Language on duty today?

    This morning on TV I was watching local news and the News Reader was telling about a fellow who was moving to Taiwan.

    She was very concerned because things are so different there and she wondered if he could ever get used to the mores( She pronounced it MOORES ) of that Country. Would the Defender have told her the word is pronounced MOR EZ? How do YOU pronounce that word?

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  4. Mikey G4:35 AM

    I found a local magazine here in Thailand that has a page dedicated to spelling errors found around Asia. If I remember, I'll send you a copy when I get home.

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  5. Mikey--Okay! Reminds me of the website Engfish, and a few others that it spawned. So funny.

    Nancy--As my husband can tell you (Martyred Saint Of The Dept. That He Is), The DoTL is ever on duty.

    Phonetically, the word "mores" is pronounced MOHR-ayz, or even MAWR-ayz. Two syllables. NOT like "Mary Tyler Mores", for example.

    And, yes, The Defender would most certainly have told her right out loud to the television. Absolutely. The fact that it would have done zero good means nothing to The Mission.

    Ever onward, you know.

    Bug--As you know, I do NOT partake in The Face Book, but the Connie/Sherrod story came to me via my daily Political Wire email. (I can call them by their first names because they are practically my neighbors and because, as everyone now knows, I almost slept with Senator Brown. AHEM.) Looking back at Ohio's governors, he is probably the only one--or only Almost One--I'd have slept with. Just sayin'.

    Anyway, as far as the location of those jobs--ditto. I'd be glad to close that whole operation down.

    Rose--Bless your heart! Send me a ticket, and I'll come and read all my stuff out loud to everyone in your lovely home in person. (Will there be drinks and nibblies? That would be nice, too. No salmon, though. Can't stand the stuff.)

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  6. In order...

    1. Couldn't they at least spell it moose? At least that would be closer to correct. Also, chocolate moose are kind of cute. I lived in Fairbanks, Alaska from 70-75 as a kid, and they used to sell moose poop as chocolate for the tourists. Evil, I know. It may, in fact, explain the dearth of tourists in Fairbanks. (I exaggerate for the story...in real life, they sold little chocolates and CALLED them moose droppings. Much less funny, but still, a bit funny).

    2. Unaware of your local politics, but YUM, cheetos. Delicious lab created yumminess.

    3. Sigh. It's exhausting.

    4. Picture of Dorian Gray? I do adore that one. I'm two pages short of finishing a memoir that I should have quit 150 pages ago. Yawn.

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  7. j@jj--4. PoDG is so quintessentially Oscar Wilde that every bit of dialogue is a joy and a delight and very quotable. I want to smack the hell out of the titular character thus far, however, because he is SO very fussy and quivery and doe-eyed. Ick.

    3. Oh, absolutely it is, and only one example of DC Dysfunction. I would love to zip down there and address the assembled Congress, but first I would make sure that an armed guard at each entrance confiscated their Blackberries and Smartphones so that not one of them could tweet or play Doodlejump or ignore me while I lambaste them for being colossal a-holes.

    2. Well, it's not so much about my Local Politics as it is about the Ongoing Idiocy of the republicans of any stripe looking to disguise their smear tactics and sensationalism as Journalism whether it's under the auspices of so-called "legitimate" news outlets or the interwebs. But I will agree that Cheetos, however suspect their origin, do have their charm, which I discussed here (and over at Stuff) years ago. I have since given them up because they turned on me nastily at one point. SOMETHING SHERROD BROWN WOULD NEVER, EVER DO, I HAVE TO ADD.

    1. I remember Moose Poop from my many little side junkets during the Alaska cruise I took several years ago. And...hate to tell you, but Canada has it too. Betcha lots of places known for wildlife have their own versions, come to think of it. Do you think, say, Yellowstone has it? I was there about eleventy hundred years ago and don't recall it then, but it's entirely possible. Maybe even Bear Poop or, say, Mountain Goat Poop chocolate exists! (The possibilities are endless, really.)

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  8. I read about that Connie Schultz thing and immediately wondered what the Faux News person had to say in response to her own stupidity. She probably blamed it on a liberal.

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  9. Rainbow Motel--I guess I'm almost as bad: I never followed up to find out!

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  10. Funny, funny, and funny. So refreshing, with all the gossip-mongering that goes on about the lives of politicians, to see someone get caught like that. I wonder if he can still pronounce "Care to comment?" with his foot so far inside his mouth.

    Le Bullshit about the US Olympic uniforms: agree with you 100%. And the LPL? (= Lady Parts Legislation) "No jobs there" made me laugh even harder than the dumbass blogger.

    Hooray for smackdowns.

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  11. Ortizzle--Thank you so much. I know some people take the attitude of "all we can do is laugh" but I still prefer a little outrage first.

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