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Saturday, April 30, 2011

In Which I Revisit Parallel Parking As Well As Visit With My Mother, Bash Social Networking, And Provide More Insight Into republicans, Royalty, And Fashion

My Spring Break is pretty much over, and while I am always glad to be At Home rather than At Work, the weather was rainy and awful most of the time, rendering me a Cat-hair covered mushbrain.  But, okay.  At least I have a few Cranial Clots to share, however chaotic they may be.

Dodging raindrops one day, I had to go to a Government Office.  As if that was not bad enough, I had to parallel park.  Which I failed when first taking my driver's test.  (About eleventy hundred years ago.) Verdict:  I still suck at it.  But this time, I find that I don't care.

My son Jared is still trying to get me to start a Twitter account.  (Oh, quelle horreur!)  "Mom!" he commanded earlier this week.  "Your Twitter feed would be amazing.  Seriously.  All my friends already said they would follow you."  Oh. Boy. Jared is in his twenties.  And...so are his friends.  This is pretty illustrative as to why I don't have a Twitter account and do not get me started on Facebook.  Also, I have now typed the word Twitter way more times than I have ever wanted to in my entire life; ditto Facebook.

I was not in the least bit surprised when browsing The Huffington Post's website and, coming across this headline Depression at Work:  10 Careers with High Rates of Depression, to find Number 6.  I didn't see Real Estate Developer/Mogul/Sideshow Barker/Closet Racist in there, nor did I see State Representative/Homophobe/History Revisionist/Clueless Idiot.  Among other things. They're just as happy as...well...they can be.  Ignorance is bliss, as Thomas Gray said.

Okay, now here's a thing.  Imagine, just for the hell of it, that Alfred E. Newman and The Angel of Death could have a child.
Did you?  Because if you did, here's who it would be:               


That's Scotty McCreery from "American Idol"
Finally, even if you could try, there was no way to escape The! Royal! Wedding! What a bigass load of hoopla that all was. I just have two things to say. First, if I were the Queen of England, hell be damn sure I would announce way ahead of time what colour I was wearing and Officially Prevent everyone else from wearing it. I mean, I Am The Queen. OF ENGLAND. If I want to wear a buttercup yellow ensemble, no one else--sitting in close proximity of me, nonetheless!--is wearing that colour. Forget that.  Second, why does the Queen always carry that handbag around? What does she need a purse for at the wedding? Or ever, for that matter?  My mother was at my house yesterday morning, and we were watching a recap of The Royal Wedding, and we had this brief chat:

Me:  What is up with the Queen always carrying a purse?
Patsy:  I don't know, but she always does.
Me:  What does she need it for? Especially at a wedding. Just stick a hanky in her glove. Or have her husband carry one for her.
Patsy:  I know.
Me:  Holy crap, Mom. She's the queen! Whenever Rick and I go anywhere, the first thing I ask him is "do I have to take my purse?" What the heck does she have in there, the launch codes?"
Patsy:  Well, she's what, over 80, so maybe she carries her Poise pads in there. (laughs)

Oh, one last thing about the Royal Wedding.
Never.

12 comments:

  1. You are brilliant! Welcome back.

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  2. Oh look - I get to comment after the hubs!

    Someone somewhere (I have no idea - I found the article on FACEBOOK) said that Bea's hat looked like a Nuvaring. You know, if her goal was to have everyone in the world talking about her she succeeded.

    I don't parallel park very well either. I usually give up when the car is still about a foot away from the curb. Ah well - they can drive around me.

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  3. Princess Eugenie (in blue, not pictured on your blog) was almost even more hideous. But it was The Kiss I was most interested in. The little flower girls standing on the balcony with the newlyweds completely stole the show, I think. And as for the Queen, well...maybe she needed to tip the carriage driver?

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  4. So...just to clarify: Sarah Ferguson was NOT invited (fear of embarrassment), but Beatrice and Eugenie were? With those hats? Frightening.

    I always wondered why you weren't on FB.

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  5. We miss you on Facebook. Truly.

    The Princesses looked like someone from a Tim Burton movie to me. And I'm going to keep saying that until someone laughs, so please, be polite.

    You should have taken drivers' ed in my hometown. It's one big parking lot. I got 100% on my driving test, though I kinda think that's because my older and wiser friend told me that EVERYONE FAILS the first time, so you just do it for practice. So I was completely relaxed, assuming I would fail.

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  6. j.@jj.com--Oh, how nice of you to say that I am "missed" on Facebook, seeing as how I was never there in the first place. Do try to continue to get along without me, as usual. Now, as to drivers' ed: I was far from relaxed. I was under the gun to pass because I had to. I was starting college in two weeks and had to drive myself there! And, now that you've made the Tim Burton reference, I'm not laughing, I'm amazed! All those goofy "fascinators"/hats look like costuming from one of his movies! Dead on.

    apathy lounge--I live in dread of things like twitter and facebook. such a loss of privacy, those. my feeling is, if i haven't kept in touch with most people over the years by choice, there is probably a reason. i'm continually amazed by the odd and intimate details that people gleefully choose to overshare on social media. not just about themselves, but others. it's...tacky, and all just a bit much for me.

    Melissa--I feel some sympathy for the newlyweds in that regard. Imagine so many millions of people worldwide focusing on one simple kiss. Who the hell cares? I heard that one American television commentator referred to it classlessly as "the money shot." How awful. That poor woman has no idea what she has gotten herself into, and I don't care what anyone says. No amount of money or status is worth the loss of self and privacy. Her Real Life is over.

    the Bug--Your parallel parking sounds very similar to mine. I never get very close, either. Reminds me of the Annie Hall line, "Don't worry, I can walk to the curb from here." LOL.

    Carolina Linthead--You flatter me, sir. That sort of talk is enough to turn a NEO girl's head! (flutters eyelashes)

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  7. Well, I know you've never been there, and I can accept you're not likely to join (Facebook, that is). But you have such a great wit, and sometimes Facebook is a great place for that. :) Apathy Lounge and Compost Studies are both there, so you KNOW all the cool kids are doing it...

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  8. I am an old lady and sometimes my mind slips a little.

    Please refresh my memory..Which picture is George W. Bush? I have whittled it down to one of the two top pictures but can't make up my mind. Help!

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  9. Hmmmm. Now I'm wondering what the Queen has in her purse too! Maybe she's diabetic or has allergies and it's her medication? Or she's secretly addicted to gummy bears and always needs a few?

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  10. Facebook works well for me because I have so many friends from so many different social circles (high school, college, grad school, math camps, traveling, etc.) living all around the world, and it makes it easy to keep a thread of communication open so that when I am in the same city as them, getting in touch is slightly less awkward. It also helps me know what's going on (comedy shows, puzzle hunts, house parties, etc.).

    Also, that last picture you posted makes me want to have a silly hat party.

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  11. ClassySF--Well, thanks for taking the time to sneak on here when you do, since I'm such a snot about FB. It's always nice to hear from you.

    Lisa--I actually Googled it, and believe it or not, someone actually wrote an entire book about this and other Royal Trivia! go ahead--look it up. It's mildly entertaining to see what's actually in the Royal Handbag.

    Nancy--LOL. You know, no one held GWB in more disdain than I did while he was sitting in The Big Chair, but I will say this: Since he has left the White House, he has decided to keep a low profile, and he has done just that. Both he and his wife have had more than enough opportunity to take potshots at the current POTUS, and they've been very classy about staying above the fray.

    J.@jj--Thank you for the very complimentary comments, and I very much appreciate them. I truly do. I like blogging as a forum, though. It has a lot of flexibility, it's not for the ADD generation, and its purpose isn't to connect with other people in a personal way. I see it more as a magazine column, kind of. FB is too much like a Sears Catalog of people for me. Like a telephone directory. Gives me the creeps.

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  12. Nance, I think you've summed it up just exactly right! The column vs. the connection. Nicely said.

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Oh, thank you for joining the fray!

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