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Monday, October 18, 2010

Even On A Getaway Weekend, There Are Some Things From Which One Can Never Get Away...

Scene opens in room of Canadian inn. Rick and Nance are snuggled in bed. It is early morning. The room is slightly chilly.

Nance: (stretches, then quickly huddles back under covers) This is the worst part of the morning. I hate getting out of bed and washing my hair. Too cold. I get chilled. It's why I don't take a whole shower in the morning and take a bath at night.

Rick: (with a sleepy attempt at being comforting) I know.

Nance: (brightly) What if I could snap off my head and give it to you? Then you could just wash my hair for me. Let's say it could be done. Would you do it? Let's break it down into a percentage. What percent of the time would you wash my hair for me?

Rick: (wary; looks at Nance from the corners of his eyes) What, now?

Nance: Would it make a difference if I took away the talking part? If my head couldn't talk?

Rick: You mean it couldn't boss me around and tell me what I was doing wrong or what shampoo to use and all that?

Nance: Yes. The head snaps off and it can't talk. What percentage of the time would you take my head and wash my hair?

Rick: Ten percent.

Nance: (shocked; incredulous; dismissive at this point) Ten percent!? You have got to be kidding! I took the talking part out! I take out the talking and you give me a lousy ten percent?

Rick: Well, how often would you wash my snapped-off head?

Nance: Never.

Rick: Well, then!

Nance: But, come on! You knew that! Look at your head! It's so big and cumbersome. And your hair is so thick. And I take tub baths. When would I shampoo it? No one shampoos in the tub! TEN PERCENT! That's insulting to me, really, when you come right down to it. Ten percent. There are three hundred and sixty-five days in a year. You're talking about a lousy thirty-six days that you would shampoo my silent head for me. That's it. Ridiculous.

Rick: (calmly) I really didn't think you would take the time to do the math.

Nance: Apparently. But I did. I did the math and that's ten percent. I cannot believe that you wouldn't take my silent, snapped-off head into the shower with you more often than that to spare me the discomfort that you know I endure when it's so cold in the morning. My silent head!

Rick: I wish it was silent right now.
End scene.

20 comments:

  1. You know, I don't know you & Rick personally, but I'd say that you're PERFECT for each other :)

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  2. That's such an interesting visual: the snapped-off silent head. Reminds me of the Roald Dahl short story "William & Mary" where a man leaves his wife instructions in his will for getting a doctor to hook his brain up to his heart and one functioning eyeball so that...uh, his brilliant brain could live on. With no recourse to speech, however, William finds he is literally trapped in a living hell. But Mary enjoys the situation immensely. :-)

    On another note:
    Do you really wash your hair EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. ? (Suddenly I feel like a slime bag.)

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  3. How long is your hair?
    Laughing.

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  4. Mikey G.9:10 PM

    If you ever really need it washed, you can mail it to me. But it might take a while to get back to you, and lord knows how long it would take to track down if it got lost in the mail.

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  5. It's not very chilly here yet, but I'm the first one up these days and I hate the walk to the shower. I dread it every day.

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  6. You guys are twisted, but I love it.

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  7. J.@jj--No sympathy, though? Sigh.

    aplo--I hate the whole routine of getting ready to face the day anymore. And driving to work in the dark is getting really sad.

    Mikey G.--That sounds like a very convoluted process to me. But at least you offered! Thanks.

    Mary G.--Hee hee. Shoulder length. But if someone really loved me, it shouldn't matter. Even ten percent of the time. LOL.

    Ortizzle--Every day. No matter what. I have to or it looks like an oilfield. I love R. Dahl. "Lamb to the Slaughter" is one of my faves, along with "Beware of the Dog."

    The Bug--You know, the priest who married us called us The Clash Of Two Worlds. So think about THAT.

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  8. I guess I'm doubly blessed, because I live in California, which means never really having to worry about being COLD, and I work from home, so if for some reason the temp goes below 60 indoors, I can wait for it to warm up before showering, even if that means having a meeting or three first.

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  9. Oh, how I love the Rick and Nance conversations! This was a really good one, Nance. Thanks for the chuckle. I try never to get into "figure" discussions like that with Mr. GFE. They just always end badly. However, I do believe the real likelihood of occurrence would be higher as Rick is, of course, crazy about you. If I asked Mr. GFE how often he'd rub my feet, he'd probably low ball it, but truth be told, the figure is really close to 100%. He's a good man ... now don't ask me how often I rub his feet.

    Shirley

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  10. Wow, you sure are chipper in the morning, aren't you.

    And mathematical, too!

    *feels sudden compassion for Rick*

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  11. Siren--Oh, hell. Another Pity Partier For Rick. Believe me, he's fine. He does Quite Well. We've been together for 33 years, so it must not be too terribly awful. Sigh.

    *Note to Self* stop being so honest and start Faking It.

    Shirley--Oh, we've had the Rubbing The Feet convo, too. Remember that post? I got some comment flak from that one, too. I don't get too crazy about having my feet rubbed, but I like having my back rubbed or scratched. Rick always gets bored or actually falls asleep during that, though. Hmpf. And hi! Nice to see you here again!

    J@jj--I dream--really, fantasize, I guess--about working from home. I'd never, ever, EVER get out of my fleece and slippers. Sounds like HEAVEN. And the kittens would love it.

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  12. Always remember the immortal words of Henry IV who proclaimed..

    "Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown." I think he meant your head,Nance. You know, the one that comes off...

    Rick must be more Suave and you should not act like you are Head and Shoulders above him...

    Don't always get yourself into a lather over this hair washing business. You should both use a little more Finesse and both of you should settle down and switch from Alberto VO to Seagrams VO and
    be happy that there are No More Tears.

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  13. Nancy--My goodness! I won't even try to wrack my brain to come up with a shampoo-referenced retort. As always, you've outdone yourself.

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  14. Anonymous8:03 AM

    Would Rick's percentage be higher if the head didn't talk when snapped back on?

    Henry the Eighth

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  15. Nancy4:15 PM

    Anne Boleyn to Catherine Howard..

    " Odds bodkins,Cate,did you know the head could be snapped back on?"

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  16. Mikey has a good "outsourcing" idea. (Everybody's an entrepreneur these days!) You could try FedEx Overnight, but that would get really expensive.

    Look at Marie Antoinette! She used wigs. And, true, hers was NOT a snap-back-on head.

    You're brilliant and gave me an idea: If my pudgy legs would snap off like Barbie's & Ken's, could I get my DH to hold them to the treadmill for half an hour?

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  17. Sputnik--Oh, brilliant? Wow. You're my new best friend today. I love the idea of the SnapOff body parts, though, and the thought of it being things other than my head for convenience now really intrigues me. Thank YOU.

    Anonymous--Sigh. Sadly, yes.

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  18. Oh, Oh - my mammogram is scheduled for Thursday - I'll bet you know what I'm wishing for now: snap off boobs!

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  19. The Bug--See! Another great idea! We're all Geniuses.

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  20. Be glad you're not married to an engineer. The conversation would have derailed as soon as you said What if. Then the engineer would tell it was not worth talking about. Then Mrs. Engineer would decide a cold bathroom and wet hair sounded appealing compared to being in bed with a non-imaginative person.

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