It's awful. I feel...marshmallowy to myself. Like I should be wearing a toque and a kerchief and, if poked, should giggle amiably. Probably that would not happen. This exchange might be a bit illuminating:
(Scene opens on Rick and Nance in livingroom, watching television. An ad comes on for Red Lobster, announcing "Crabfest" for a limited time.)
Nance: Wow. Their Crabfest is only for a limited time.
Rick: I heard that.
Nance: Whereas the Crabfest around here goes on pretty much endlessly.
Rick: Lately, anyway.
Nance: Are you lucky, or what?
Voice from TV: We know what you want.
Nance: Sigh. How can that be? Even I don't know what I want half the time.
Rick: And the other half of the time, I don't.
Nance: It's when those times coincide that we're really in trouble.
Rick: Don't I know it.
And I am not one for The Exercise. Ugh. Don't even, as they say, "Go there." No, I prefer a Strict Regimen of Total Deprivation And Suffering. (Total Deprivation for me and Suffering for pretty much everyone who has the misfortune to come into contact with with me for however long it takes before I feel less...doughy to myself.) So save it. Spare us both the dewy-eyed yammering about "endorphins" during some pre-dawn 5K and increased energy and boosted metabolism and hyper mental acuity and all that other bullshit that just makes me batshit and urges me to grab one of my chef's knives and carve a roast out of my thigh.
Been there, done/heard that. Thanks.
Perhaps I should, as my Penance/Hair Shirt, start a new food blog and call it Fatass Food Blog. On it, I'll give the recipes (and post the requisite "food porn" pictures) of the Summertime Wonderfuls that are contributing to my Gustatory Shame Spiral, starting with:
1. Antipasto Pasta
2. Warm Brie with Fig, Onion, and Balsamic Compote
3. Guacamole Supreme
4. Grilled Flatbread Pizzas with Fresh Mozzarella and Homemade Pesto
5. Peanut Butter Banana Bread (chocolate chips optional)
6. Rhubarb Nectarine Crisp
7. Sweet Corn and Tomato Salad
And the wine is not helping, I'm certain. Oh, and have you tried this? Very pleasant for an easy little patio refresher, sadly, and part of The Problem. (Once I located the missing cap to my good cocktail shaker. Who put it in the small teapot?)
Tonight, we are going to a party. Luckily, it is Outdoors, and you all know how I feel about Eating Outside. Additionally, they are Beer People. Another benefit. Perhaps my Crabfest will be for a Limited Time Only as well.