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Sunday, March 22, 2009

Driving Miss Nance


(Scene opens on interior of car. Rick is driving; Nance is in passenger seat.)

Rick: (points out side window) Right there! Did you see? Two deer.
Nance: What? No, where?
Rick: We're past it now. They were over there, in that field. You missed them.
Nance: This is so typical. How is it that you always see deer when we're out driving? I never see deer. I see, like, Canada geese. They're everyplace. I mean, right now, over there, there are Canada geese. Look.
Rick: I don't know.
Nance: It's terrible. You know what I see? I see fake deer. I see those horrible concrete deer. That's what I see. I see them every morning on 6th Street when I go to park my car. There's one in a big side yard, just standing there. That's what I see, a bigass ugly fake deer.
Rick: It's a question of priorities.
Nance: What? How can you even say that? It's not that I want to see tchotchke yard art! I feel like I'm actually assaulted by it! No--I am victimized by tacky yard art!
Rick: Well, I don't--
Nance: Look! A hawk! Right there on that bank! Did you see it? It was standing there, ripping into something! It must have caught something!
Rick: No, I didn't see it. There, now see? I rarely see hawks. Once in a while on a fencepost or something, but not very often.
Nance: It's true. My hawk-spotting skills are unparalleled. I am unmatched in hawk-spotting. Remember the one I saw in the backyard above our pond, ripping into that sparrow?
Rick: Yep. There you go. You see hawks. I see deer.
Nance: But you also saw two wild turkeys on our way in. Still not fair.

(End scene.)

15 comments:

  1. Somehow I'm just oblivious to everything and never notice what's going on around me. I always wondered why I almost never spotted a celebrity on the street when I lived in New York, whereas several of my friends would see them on a regular basis. But then I remember that I don't usually recognize friends on the street when I'm walking around. I was once walking downtown and bumped into someone. I looked up, and it was my boyfriend (at the time). Somehow I'm just oblivious.

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  2. Oh crap. Come visit me. I'll show you real deer, and maybe a real hawk or a real wild turkey. We have them all. Sometimes. Fake deer? I know where some of them are, too.

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  3. Chuckle. Love it when you share your converstations. I am good at spotting hawks, too. A real treat is to see an owl. I think hubby and I are about even on spotting deer. Turkeys ... hmmm, I think I win on that one, too. One of the best wildlife sighting we've seen was a mama raccoon with a bunch of babies right behind her crossing the road. They were so close together, they seemed to be one continuous line. Wish I had a photo of that scene.

    As far as the concrete deer, I don't even think I see those any more ... they've just faded into the sometimes annoying domestic landscape.

    Shirley

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  4. We live way out here where live deer proliferate and jump in front of the car at unpredictable intervals and people still put the stupid fakes in their yards. I pass three different lots going grocery shopping.
    I wonder what they are thinking. Or if they do think.
    Deer spotting is a survival skill here, let me tell you.

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  5. I think this is the most interesting wildlife I've seen around here:
    http://jellyjules.com/?p=725

    Though I also saw a read tailed hawk on our pool fence once, and a flock of turkeys in my friend's yard, and coyotes followed me once when I was taking a walk. And if you saw how urban our area is, you'd be surprised.

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  6. Well, you MUST be eagle-eyed, is all. Hawks fly pretty dern fast! I have a hard time spotting turkey buzzards!

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  7. Melissa B.--The hawks around here--primarily redtails--love to soar. They're easy to spot then, but I see them perched on lightposts and fences often. In the summertime, they can be heralded by the songbirds in the area kicking up a fuss and diving at them as they circle overhead.

    J.@jj--Oh, ick. I remember seeing a mother possum and her babies crawling along the fence at our driveway at night one summer. It just looked ghostly and hideous. And the sound of its talons scratching on the wood was scary. Why do you have so much wildlife out there? I'm calling Al Gore to look into it.

    Mary G.--How about those deer whistles for the front of your car? Do those things work? Have you ever heard of them?

    Shirley--I'm not sure Rick sees them as very amusing. We get raccoons here once in a while that come up from the river nearby. They love to rip into our garbage cans and live in the garages. Still, I'd rather have them than the skunks, who are a constant problem and much scarier.

    J.@jj--Why did I think that Californians were much too sophisticated to have fake deer?

    Mikey--You used to live in NEW YORK CITY! How could you survive by being so oblivious? With muggers on every corner and thugs and gangsters everywhere? Good heavens. You're lucky to be alive. Fake animals are the least of your worries. LOL.

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  8. I always notice animals: owls, hawks, raccoons, foxes, deer, mice, salamanders, rabbits, squirrels, turkey, pheasants, and snakes.

    I don't, however, notice landmarks. Don't ever ask me where the nearest gas station is or what's on the corner opposite McDonald's.

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  9. Nancy5:52 PM

    "My hawk-spotting skills are unparalleled. I am unmatched in hawk-spotting."

    As much as I dislike getting into one upsmanship, Nance, I must tell you that I am no slouch at bird spotting either. Yesterday while scouring the streets of Philadelphia for rare birds I spotted a Double Breasted Seersucker in Joseph A. Banks window.

    Take that!!!!

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  10. Nancy--Oh. My. Sounds hideous. LOL.

    V-grrrl--Landmarks are my only navigation device. Routes, streets, cardinal points like North, East, forget it. I'm hopeless. Just direct me via landmarks and I can get there. I can just imagine OUR car conversations, can't you?

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  11. My husband spots everything before I do. He can also identify everything. Educational...and annoying, too.

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  12. BTW, I'm celebrating One Year in the Blogosphere with a special 2-day Sx3 today and tomorrow. The winner gets a $50 Tar-Jay Gift Card. Please say you'll play!

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  13. apathy lounge--at least Rick just says "deer!" LOL.

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  14. We have dozens of deer and their mission is to destroy the perennial garden. They fear nothing. I chase them like a freaking banshee and they just stand there munching and staring at me. I'd go right up and push them, but I'm afraid of ticks. We have a regular parade of hawks, since we're in the woods. The stone walls are overrun by chipmunks and all the trees have squirrels' drays. I've seen some ugly murders by hawk. Yesterday, I saw a male Mallard duck just standing in the middle of the Best Buy parking lot, unfazed by traffic. He didn't even act confused. I guess he was thinking of which brand of GPS to get.

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  15. sputnik--oh, i do battle constantly with squirrels over my birdfeeder. i used to shoot them with the bb gun, but i hit the house behind me once, and it put the fear of god into me. and the moles and chipmunks...they are the death of my pond's waterfall area. they burrow all over it and end up scooting the liner around and sometimes eat the thing and cause major water loss. i guess i love deer because i don't have to deal with their destruction.

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