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Monday, September 15, 2008

Turns Out That I've Had What It Takes All Along!


Sorry for the hiatus, but I've been in a sort of self-imposed Cone Of Silence here at the Dept. I'm shying away from The Media Circus as of late. Why? Well, holy crap! It turns out that I'm super-qualified to be Vice President, that's why! Let me run down my case for you:

1. Foreign Relations: My roommate in college was Jewish. I've had foreign exchange students in my classes from Finland, Germany, and Switzerland. I am half Croatian and my best friend all through school was Serbian, which shows that I have excellent skills in negotiating beyond age-old nationalistic Balkan grudges.

2. Foreign Policy: I have travelled in Canada often, including the provinces of Alberta, British Columbia, and Ontario. In 6th grade, my foreign country report was on Norway, and I received an "A." I have seen all of Daniel Day-Lewis's movies set in Ireland and feel pretty well-versed in the whole IRA thing. Also, since my concentration in college was in English literature, I'm pretty up on England.

3. Lipstick: I wear it daily--Revlon Rum Raisin. Once in a while, Revlon Cappucino.

4. Domestic Issues: I've travelled to 27 of the United States. I've flown over more, but I don't think it's fair to count those. My husband is a terrific handyman and my two sons aren't oddly-named or prematurely parents, but I am a MOM and a WIFE, nonetheless. I chose to have both my children...oh, wait. Wrong script.

5. Fiscal Responsibility: I worked at City Bank as a teller across from U.S. Steel and Lake Terminal Railroad during summers to put myself through college. On the Fridays those two places got paid, the lines were out the doors nonstop. I would run hundreds of thousands of dollars through my window alone, and at the end of the day, I would still balance to the penny. As newlyweds, Rick and I had the two worst careers in 1981 in NE Ohio: teacher and carpenter. Neither of us could find a job. I worked at the bank and he sold shoes. We balanced our checkbook to the last cent and that summer, we rolled change to see A MOVIE. And my prowess at shoe bargains goes without saying. Come ON. Well-documented. A given at this point. Duh.

6. Executive Experience: I have been the advisor for the school's literary magazine for 20 years. I have one year of experience as a junior high student activities advisor. I have been in charge of a high-school classroom five times a day for 182 days a year for 28 years. And for 8 memorable years, I was Third Floor Tornado Spotter, a weighty responsibility that stays with me still.

7. Technology: I don't have to put up some crap on Ebay. This blog. 'Nuff said. Please. I'm boring you right now. Do I even have to href a bunch of baloney? No. I can html and snipurl rings around...oh, nevermind.

8. Wardrobe: I was wearing pencil skirts way before Certain People were even thinking about stacked heels and cropped jackets. Spare me. Let me just say that I have moved on to several other Fashion Planes already, people. Oh. My. If I posted my Burberry plaid pumps right now, there would be Bedlam. I'm just saying.

9. Bridge to Nowhere: I've been to Ketchikan, one of the proposed terminii of the Bridge. It is "Alaska's first city and the salmon capital of the world." There are more salmon there than people. There are more jewelry shops there than people. It's way tiny. Very scenic, but it would be like connecting your front and back yards with the Golden Gate Bridge. I vote No before, during, and after. Period. I'm not a fan of bridges anyway, except for Jeff Bridges, who I think is a pretty good actor and sorta underrated.

Okay.

Personally, I want my Vice President to be Someone Who Is Way Smart and NOT YOUR AVERAGE PERSON OFF THE STOOL AT STARBUCKS. Who cares whether or not you can "identify with" your President or Vice President? People, give me a big freaking break. Isn't it time to have someone sitting in The Big Chairs who is so damned smart that it takes your breath away? Someone who is dignified and together and brilliant and inspirational? And wouldn't it be great if other leaders and other people met them and said, "Wow! What incredible individuals!"

And if those people then, by association, thought that about ALL OF US?

23 comments:

  1. Oh, Nance, God love you!!! It is fantastic to come here to read this post today!!!! I laughed for a good two minutes straight. (Okay, the fact that I am on my second rum drink after work could be a factor, but I don't think so. LOL) Clever, clever woman you are, and so right!! I am with you on having a president/vice president that's not like me. (There was an editorial in our local paper just the other day about this issue. The editor said he wanted someone of a different ilk, someone who could blow his socks off! I agree!)It's a given that all the candidates will have money (lots of it) ... okay I can sort of deal with that if that is the established playing field. But, how about a team with money AND brains? real brains? and they actually use them. And, BTW, it's a given that no matter how much the candidates SAY they are like us, they never really are.

    You know I think I could write my own list of qualifications. I bet we all could!!

    Did you catch Tina Fey as Palin? Nice job, and to have "Hillary" beside her was genius. ;-)

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  2. Nancy8:29 PM

    Look, Nance, I know I don't have all the qualifications you have to be Vice President. I accept that, but I think you might consider me for a Cabinet Position in your administration.

    I humbly list my experience to be:

    Dept. of Agriculture:

    I planted three tomato bushes this Summer and only two died.

    Interior:

    I decorated my living room and all the neighbors say it looks nice.

    Justice:

    I went to court and argued an unfair parking ticket and WON!

    Commerce:

    I do all the shopping for our family and know all the stores and which ones give double coupons and which one has the best Dinty Moore Beef Stew.

    Defense:

    I know where the "Undisclosed Location" is where Cheney spends so much time. I realized shortly after the Whittington affair that Cheney was kept in that bunker for OUR protection.

    Labor:

    I have four kids. I know all about that Labor stuff.

    Education:

    I have a First Edition of "My Pet Goat" and can read every word. Unlike Dubya. Here is a typical BUSHISM:" One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."

    State:

    I know all the States. Every one of the them. In fact, from my kitchen I can see New Jersey. They have casinos there with lots of money being thrown around so please remember that I have this financial experience when I get to Treasury.

    Energy:

    Well, to tell the truth, sometimes I fade out around 3 P.M. but I have a lot of pep until then.

    Transportation:

    I have my Driver's License and I can drive a gear shift car and have only had two accidents in the last month so that qualifies me to drive the V.P. Hop in, Nance.

    Health and Human Services:

    I am an authority on teen age sex education. JUST ABSTAIN,KIDS! See how easy that was? While I'm on Health care here is another Bushism;" Too many good docs are getting out of business.Too many OB/GYNS aren't able to practice their love with women across the country."

    Treasury:

    Please see vast financial experience mentioned above in STATE.

    Homeland Security:

    I am an expert at recognizing TERRISTS . They will be the ones who have more than 3 oz. of liquid in their bottles at the airport. We should also keep our NUCULAR weapons at hand. Dubya once told our enemies " You disarm, or We will."

    Veteran's Affairs:

    I've had several affairs with veterans. At my age they were all tired from running up San Juan Hill
    but we managed. I would drop a Viagra in his drink and if his erection lasted more than four hours I called my girlfriends over.

    Housing and Urban Development:

    Nance, I'll do a super job in this area.I will find Brownie (You're doing a heck of a job,Brownie!)and he will tell me all about how he was the hero of New Orleans and I'll do the exact opposite of what he did . Maybe I'll even find one of those tractor trailers full of ice that he sent to Idaho instead of Louisiana.

    So, do I get a Cabinet Post in your Administration?

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  3. Just think, you may have been on that ticket had you hosted that party for Barack Obabma back when he was a nobody.

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  4. And my guess is that you would also have the good sense and taste not to wear Beauty Queen Big Hair held up with a gallon of Aqua-Net while endeavoring to give a credible speech.

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  5. sputnik--Final Net was my lacquer of choice in the late 70s when I sported my Farrah do. I've since gotten over it. And I do all my OWN writing as everyone knows. Hmph.

    mikey--hey! don't come over here and stump for Someone Else! Geeze. Where is the LOVE!?

    nina--I KNOW! MoveOn was asking and I could have had him right on MY COUCH. But that was back in The Day when I was Hillary's Girl.

    nancy--naturally, President Obama would have the final say, but I would definitely put in a Good Word. Hell, i'd revive the old royal position of Court Jester for you!

    shirley--between me and the rum, your day was made, woman! LOL. glad to be of service here at the Dept! I caught the SNL skit online because I am too old and decrepit to stay awake anymore. honestly, this job of mine is having major negative impact on my Real Life.

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  6. You're preaching to the choir with me, but I'll still give you a hearty AMEN, Sister!

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  7. Nance--For the record, I watched Tina Fey as Palin online also. We were gone for the weekend, but even when at home, I usually tape SNL. (Fast forwarding through those lame skits can be as joyous as watching the really good ones!) This time I set the VCR but left the channel on CNN, which I had been watching at the time. Aaargh. I hate it when I do silly stuff like that.

    Sputnik--Oh, you are so right about the hair!!

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  8. Anonymous10:11 AM

    If the political thing doesn’t workout, Southern Maryland can always use another Tornado Spotter.

    ReplyDelete
  9. anonymous--i thought so. md. was protected by the bay...!?

    shirley--i mentioned in class that i still don't know how to program my VCR and my students went crazy. "Who still has a VCR!?" they mocked. "Why don't you Tivo or get a DVR?" they asked. I told them that i had something called "patience" instead. I simply wait till it's online or they rerun it. it never takes very long, and i usually find i don't miss much.

    j.@ jj.--yes, but i still like to hear from the choir!

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  10. Nance, I saw this post at my friend's blog, and of course I thought of you. :)
    http://cherryextract2.blogspot.com/2008/09/wordless-wednesday.html

    Enjoy!

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  11. Nance this post is major fucking ass kickery!!!! I. Love. It!

    You are a force to be reckoned with.

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  12. Oh yeah, I want to know your thoughts on my second post yesterday...I just HAVE to point people this way to read this one!

    ReplyDelete
  13. j.@jj--lol. thanks. went and loved it.

    tera--your flattery is much appreciated. as would be your votes. hee hee. oh, and check your comments, girl.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Tera sent me here to cheer me up. I did laugh - pretty damn funny and very well done. Also Nancy's response.

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  15. NoR you're right! Nancy that was awesome!

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  16. noregrets--go to this and use it for your desktop wallpaper like I did and feel even better, honey. and thanks, as always, for the kind words about the Dept.

    tera--i keep telling nancy that she should have a blog. i'd read it. of course, she sorta blogs here in my comments, which is just fine with me.

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  17. V-Grrrl7:27 PM

    Up until this point, I was voting for Obama because he wears Hanes underwear and so do I. I relate to Hanes people. I feel comfortable (!) with them.

    Of course, this brilliant essay gave me pause, especially when I considered that the multi-talented Nancy would be joining you in D.C.

    Then I remembered about the mayonnaise and your shoe fixation and I went back to Barack. Sorry, luv.

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  18. I love the photo. She really does have the whole world in her hands.

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  19. Nance,

    I always knew you were a pace setter. Out in front of the pack all the way....

    Why do I say this?

    Oprah announced her Book Club Selection and it is "The Story of Edgar Sawtelle".

    You advised us to read this book a MONTH ago.

    ReplyDelete
  20. torrance--oh, thanks. and welcome to the Dept!

    nancy--that oprah--always jumping on my bandwagon! actually, i'm surprised. i thought that after the frey flap, she eschewed current fiction and went to choosing only classics. what gives?

    kofi--moreover, whoever wins will have the fate of the world in his/hers. people had better think of that!

    v-grrrl--now, how in the hell can a shoe awareness be a bad thing for a leader of the free world? don't you want your vice president to look good? (holy crap, look at the one we have now? remember that hideous parka he wore to a somber concentration camp commemoration? good heavens.)

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Oh, thank you for joining the fray!

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