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Sunday, May 13, 2007

If Moms Wrote Horror Movies, Redux

*this is previously posted material from long, long ago when my blog was just a newborn, with minor edits*
If the producers and directors of horror films were smart, they'd have their test audiences comprised solely of moms. Because we know scary. We confront it every day; moreover, we stare it down and kick its ass. It is part of our on-the-job training, and even playing with dollies does little to ready us for when it rears its ugly head.

Consider: the labor and delivery room. Not only do we propel, through sheer brute force, a human being averaging 8 pounds and 20 inches out of our bodies, but while we are attempting to do so, someone is sticking his/her fingers inside us, strapping machinery to us, and, in my case, leading in a pack of student nurses to interview us and ask us questions during the entire event and then admonishing us when we are a teensy weensy bit less than polite.

Then, at various times throughout Momhood, we are vomited on, snotted on, peed on, diarrhea-ed on, and forced to deal with "boo-boos", some of which require a trip to the Emergency Room, also known as "The Department of Motor Vehicles Medical Center", where we see the extras from Central Casting for The Night of the Living Dead. After we get home, we get to clean all these bodily fluids up, while retching on our own.

And, because of our supernatural diagnostic powers, we are subjected to a barrage of horrific encounters almost continually if we have teenagers, a species well-known for its low grossness threshhold.

Teen: Mom, taste this.
Mom: Why?
Teen: Just taste it.
Mom: But I don't want any.
Teen: You don't have to eat it, just taste it.
Mom: Good God! Okay, fine! (tastes it.) There. It's good. Why?
Teen: It smelled funny. I thought it might be rotten and I wasn't sure.

And it's not just our palates that are assailed. Our vision is assaulted as well:

Teen: (in bathroom, calling): Mom! (pauses imperceptibly) MOM!!!!!
Mom: (rushes in) What?! What's the matter?
Teen: Is there something on my back?
Mom: What? Is that all? You sounded like you were bleeding to death.
Teen: I can feel something gross on my back but I can't get it.
Mom: Let me see....Eeew! It's a huge zit. Just leave it alone.
Teen: Mom! I know it's back there. It's gross. You have to get it.
Mom: I don't want to touch it. Yuck.
Teen: Mom! Please. You have to. I don't want my new American Eagle shirt to even touch it.
Mom: I'll put a band-aid on it, then.
Teen: Mom, come on! You have to. Just squeeze it real quick.
Mom: (Sighs) Okay. Brace yourself. (Squeezes) Ugh!
Teen: Ouch! Oh my God! Mom! Geeze! What the Heck!!!!

And this is the same child who, upon entering and seeing that I am watching "Dr 90210", the plastic surgery show on the Style Network, says, "Oh my God, Mom, how can you watch all that blood and guts and crap?".

If Moms wrote the script for a horror movie, can you imagine what it would be? Mine, now that my kids are 19 and 22, would be one in which the boys never left home but got some low-life trashy wenches from the Fundamentalist Right "in trouble" and tried to live here with their babies, played country music at top volume, spoke with bad grammar, and brought yappy dogs into my house. Seriously scary stuff, that.

22 comments:

  1. If mom's wrote horror movies, they would involve small yards and kitchens, washers in the basement, neighbors with incessantly barking dogs, phone calls from the school lawyer about your child's exploding science project, snakes/hamsters/frogs/rodents/ferrets in the HOUSE, freezers that stop working and fill the house with the smell of rotten meat, maggots, and cute women in bikinis lying out in the sun next door in full view of your terrace and your husband and your dumpy, aging self.

    Now I won't be able to sleep. Thanks Nance.

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  2. Great horror movie material. "Mom, taste this" is brilliant, LOL. Gotta be careful, though. Remember that movie, 'Throw Mama off the Train'?!

    The Tie Report: Just two things, really.
    (1.) At least they weren't purple.
    (2.) Father's Day is coming up.

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  3. Nance that didn't do anything to convince me that I want children!

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  4. Want Children? What? I had four of the little terrors before I figured out what was causing them!

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  5. Totally nothing wrong with country music. But the rest of your nightmare? Ew. Scary. Great post.

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  6. Nance, you crack me up! I am in 100% agreement with you...we WOULD have better material!!! And even scarier, I think mine is nearing puberty! He has quite a bit of hair (down there), and let just say it may be a step up from the "Peach Fuzz phase..." I know not what to do!!! I am consoling myself with a compelling argument that it is a spurt that will stop and resume in a couple of years!!!

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  7. You just said wenches. That makes me happy :)

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  8. plain jane8:58 PM

    Yes, that was pretty much my fear of how my kids would turn out, fortunately, they turned out MUCH different!

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  9. v-grrrl: one of my great dismays is the fact that my washer and dryer are in the basement.

    ortizzle: i was worried because i had to catch the friday tie on the net. later, i saw a promo in which bw wore THE TIE (pink and blue stripe, my fave) and thought i had mistakenly id'ed it as the blue and vanilla one. also think i may have to include a code for when i am reviewing an internet-seen tie. whaddya think? it's only fair.

    potu--i believe in full disclosure. it's my responsibility as a mom and a blog/journalist.

    nancy--mine were planned, so i can't blame anyone buy myself. but i did know enough to stop at TWO. ahem.

    fringes--country music makes me ill. sorry, but it just does. i also equate it with republicans, which also tend to make me...well, not so well.

    tera--you don't have to DO anything! lol.

    i.h.--such a great word. i also like "strumpet" and am trying to bring that back. help me out if you can.

    plain jane--haven't seen you at the Dept. for a while. welcome back! and glad to hear your kids are okay! lol.

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  10. LOL!!! I believe you're right! IN OTHER NEWS...check my latest post(s) ;) I believe you've been tagged! :)

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  11. tera--i responded on your blog. my anti-meme stance is almost legendary in the blogosphere, but thanks everso for thinking of me. that's a really worky one, too. yikes.

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  12. you've been tagged...again!

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  13. May 14th tie: Methinks you ought to write romance novels or, better yet, love sonnets: 'making the Windsor generous, with an underlying tinge of sensuality,' and 'One might wonder just how it would feel to loosen that knot.' You devil, you. Makes me want to gently run my gracile fingertips over the small white windowpanes... (and forgive the split infinitive)

    On a more mundane level: yeah, I think it would be fair to report whether the critique is 'internet-viewed' or 'TV-enhanced.' Even within those categories, it can make a difference: HDTV or regular? And we won't even go into pixelation and other PC issues.

    Kudos, once again, for the May 14th tie description. Good enough to eat. ;-)

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  14. I want to know why no one ever wants you to taste their food when it's actually good.

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  15. Wait...are are you my long lost sister...or have you have a nannycam installed in my house. You're scaring me and I KNOW SCARY.

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  16. LOL! That would be really scary! And this tie report (5/15) is wonderful! I wonder what's going on with him?

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  17. nina--sigh. i heart you; you know i do. but i'm just not meme-ing.

    ortizzle--at this point, i am doing the tie reports for you, primarily, and anali, who i know reads them daily (pretty much). i am not sure anyone else even cares.
    they are a workout for me, creatively, which i need, but i'm really not sure anyone gets as much into/out of them as you. thank you. and i mean it.

    nina--i know. you should see jared when he eats something really good. he goes into the throes of an orgasm, practically. but does he say, "hey mom, try this." no. he just lies back, rolls his eyes, and moans. then he tells me how wonderful it is.

    wordgirl--we are united by the bond that is "moms of big boys." if you don't count EmilyCat,AND I DON'T, i am the only female in the house. sometimes it is overwhelming. other times...most times...it is charming in the extreme.

    anali--seriously, i am sensing trouble in BriWorld and it's manifesting itself in his fashion. it started with the cycle of the lavender tie and now the Tie Which Is Dead To Me. i look for a major announcement or major rumours about BW. fashion does not lie.

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  18. Perfect. What can I say? Perfect.

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  19. May 16th Tie: Well, I have been newsless for the last couple of days, at leats in terms of BW, and right now the school computer is not playing fair, I can't get the podcast to work. That said, your description, as usual, is vivid enough to imagine it. I especially liked "trying on tester lipsticks" and "sneaking a gummy bear" before you weigh it, both sins of which I am guilty. (I'm not counting eating strawberries while picking them because the only place I ever did that, on a farm in rural England, they actually allowed the pickers to eat what they wanted.)

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  20. fe de erratas, typo: "leats" = least. I hate when that happens. And even though I know people will work it out, it still bugs me.

    Also... I didn't realize how odd my last line might sound, but of course we all know I meant strawberry pickers.

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  21. nwjr--i blush at your hyperbole. thank you very much.

    ortizzle--i am the same way about correcting any errors i make on the internet/web. i think that, as teachers, we are doubly fastidious.
    or don't want anyone to say, "hey, you're a teacher and should know better...nyah!" either way, i get it and would have to do the same thing. and thanks again for the appreciation. i liked that particular tie report,too. even more than the first time i critiqued that red stripe, and i liked that one lots as well.

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  22. May 17th Tie: Alas, Nance, the aloof, subtle pink... doesn't come out on the podcast. If I strain my eyes and my pixels (blown up version of podcast) I can almost see it... That said, even being the pearly silvery grey it looks like on my computer screen, it is indeed a tie worthy of note; a come-hither tie, perhaps?! ;-)

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