Saturday, April 21, 2007

DoN Re-Images Professional Sports

I'm not real sporty, but I do enjoy watching some athletic contests; mostly this is out of self-defense, sharing the home as I do with three men. But you all know that I do have a very definite fondness for fashion, and I am just irritated beyond all measure by some of what goes on, sartorially speaking, in the world of sports.

Let me get one sport out of the way right off the bat--how cute, a baseball reference--and that is football. I don't care about it, and they don't have much control over their uniforms. Not much opportunity for individual style there, although I do appreciate the flowing locks of such players as Troy Polamalu sticking out of the backs of their helmets. Other than that, they all look the same: tight jerseys, tight knee breeches, helmets, taped-on shoes. End of review.

Moving on.

The NBA (National Basketball Association) may as well change their name to the NCA--National Culotte Association. How these players can run down the court without a severe case of chafe-rash is beyond me. These men have on the equivalent of what was high fashion for me in the sixth grade when we were not allowed to wear shorts to school, but were able to skirt (!) the dress code by wearing the "shorts which looked like a skirt", the culottes. Look:

Is that ridiculous, or what?

Thank goodness the NB(C)A has eliminated the Ballerina Tights from the legal uniform. This look was popularized by Cleveland's own LeBron James when he had a leg injury and then other players started copying it because it kept their muscles warm and loose and for some, they felt it created a sense of confusion on the hardwood for the opposing players who were trying to pick up their defensive moves. Here it is, in all its fashion horror:

I know. Don't even say it.

At least the NBA coaches dress. They pace the sidelines in suit and tie. And some of them look wonderful. I have always admired Pat Riley for his well-cut suits, and the former coach of (pretty much everybody and) the Cleveland Cavaliers Mike Fratello for his ties.

Actually, let me insert here that the NFL coaches could take a lesson. They stalk the sidelines, some of them (most notably Bill Belichick), in clothes that look like they picked them up off of a frat house floor. What's up with that? I miss the days of Tom Landry, former Dallas Cowboys coach, who always looked dapper and well-dressed and wore the distinctive stroller hat.
Now to Major League Baseball, and let me tell you, I have some issues with these individuals. This league needs to come to a consensus right now, people, about PANTS. Let's decide: are we wearing the pants down, like jammies, or up, like traditional baseball pants? Because if we don't get some consistency soon, we are just out there, people, like a bunch of third-graders playing a pick-up game of stickball. I cannot take it anymore. I mean it! Personally, I like the pants-up look. It's baseball! The Great American Pastime! (Historically, anyway. Everyone knows that now, the Great American Pastime seems to be acting like you are the only one in the world and talking loudly on your cell phone whenever and wherever you like. But I digress.) If we wear the pants down, we might as well be playing golf. Pants up = baseball! Just look:

That's Grady Sizemore and Travis Hafner, both Cleveland Indians.

Okay, finally, golf. This is a sport which has really cleaned up its act, and I would like to think that I had something to do with it. I didn't, of course, but I would really, really like to think that I did. Golfers used to have carte blanche to dress in terrifying plaids and disgusting flat hats and knickers and banlon stockings. (R.I.P. Payne Stewart. I know you tried to be retro and bring this back and it was a bold statement. But it is telling that, in your absence, no one has taken up this Fashion Cause/Risk.) I just wish that the ubiquitous billed hat was not so...ubiquitous. I am so very tired of baseball caps being worn if the wearer is not fielding a grounder or popping up a fly ball. At least Greg "The Shark" Norman wears a different sort of headgear:

I find it refreshing and interesting. And I can definitely get behind a signature look. Tiger Woods, take a lesson.
Finally, in a completely selfish, yet public-service announcement sort of way, here is a picture of the completely unabashedly stylish and cute cheetah-print slingbacks I told you I bought on sale with my son's (the shoe store assistant manager) discount. Many of you asked about them right around the time of my road trip.

Did you note the detail of the black leather button on the sling? I love these. You cannot believe what they do for a black skirt and sweater outfit. Okay, you probably can.


  1. At first I thought you photoshopped that second LeBron picture. I thought, "He couldn't possibly have his leg completely covered up with something so blindingly white." Then I read more and realized what the situation was.

    As far as coaches dressing well, that reminds me of my AP Government teacher Brian, who would be the only football coach on the side of the field wearing khakis and a polo shirt. That was a sight to see.

    As far as baseball goes, it has to be up. Period.

    And lastly, maybe if more openly gay athletes were playing at the top levels of their respective sports, the uniforms might be a bit more pleasant to look at. I'll get on that ;)

  2. Baseball pants belong in the "up" position, no doubt.

    More importantly, the shoes! Love them! Have they made their debut yet?

  3. Yes, me too, pants up for baseball players. I could not believe the basketball uni with tights. (Why not fish net?!)

    Love your shoes! I have never been courageous enough to wear animal skin patterns on anything, but if I did, those shoes would be a candidate. (Really, I am terribly boring when it comes to shoes: I go for comfort and colors that match 90% of my wardrobe, including my purse.)

    The Drunken Tie Report: pearl and periwinkle it was, and yes, stripes again, but the colors were quite palatable. Unlike your drink, apparently. Try a Campari and soda, Nance. ;-)

  4. NBA players in white tights look like psychiatric nurses. GAH!

    I don't own a single cute pair of heels. Sigh. When I see beautiful shoes I'm just reminded that I don't have a life that's worthy of them. I tie up my serviceable walking shoes and avoid mirrors.

  5. I have a similar pair. Open toe. Wedge.

    I know nothing about sports, but I sort of feel like I do because of this post. Thanks.

  6. Great post and I love your shoes!! I have a little animal print pocketbook. I don't wear it often, but I feel so cute when I do. : )

  7. Love the post! I have NEVER thought about professional sports in a fashion sense Nance, wow! How insightful!!!

    LeBron knew better than those tights!!! LOL!

  8. I read an article awhile back (just before the start of March Madness) about OSU's new basketball uniforms. I was and still am confused by the culotte look. I can't imagine that the long shorts are really that great for running up and down the court.

    Baseball pants up.

    And shoes...I love shoes. But my feet are dainty delicate flowers. Meaning that my heels are too skinny to fit in most "dressy" shoes, and I have to buy the heel grip things or else end up with AWFUL blisters. Everytime I buy a shoe that's even remotely unsensible (for me) I end up regretting it. Silly big skinny feet.

  9. i.h.--But Brian always wore polos and khakis. It was his uniform for everything. LOL.

    nina--They made their debut and were the talk of the school from staff and students alike.

    Ortizzle--Surprisingly, these shoes can be worn with a large number of things. Seriously, animal print is the new neutral. Oh, and I can't drink anything carbonated; it reacts really oddly with a med. I'm on.

    v-grrrl--Certainly you dress up at least once a year for something! If not, decide to and go buy shoes for it immediately. Either that, or you must turn in your Girly Card.

    mist1--I refuse to hop on the Wedge Fashion Wagon. They are just awful. I'm sorry, but there it is. But I don't judge those who do. Rather, I applaud. And as for the Sports Knowledge, stick with me, baby. There's more where that came from.

    anali--Anything that makes us feel cute is vital to the wardrobe. I feel that way about my pink leather Etienne Aigner bag. It's almost time to bring it out.

    tera--I like to think LeBron would have given up the tights in the name of fashion even if the NBA hadn't kiboshed them, too. He does know how to dress!

    jenomena--Skinny heels would seem to be made for the slingback. Have you tried? Oh well, the mules are still in this year, I believe, so you can always use those as your go-to look once winter truly leaves.

    To All: I record your "Pants UP" votes! Seriously, is there any other way, really?

  10. I've been crushing on Pat Riley and his tailor made suits for as long as I can remember. Yet another thing we have in common.

    I want those shoes.

  11. nance, thanks for keeping my cubicle warm! This pesky work from home situation. If I get lost on blogs, I'm not working. And then I get "questioned". I hate getting questioned. Anyway, I'm here. If you post daily, I'll visit daily. Other than that, let me know when you've got something to tell me. Ha.

    Loved the detail on this post. I'll root for your Cavs. I like LeBron.

  12. I've worked for a professional baseball team and had to bite my tongue more than once when confronting the players in all their stirrup-pants glory. It's just wrong.

    Those are fabulous shoes- I wish I could pull those off!

  13. Even the highway that is named for Landry has a little hat on it. He was a class act.

  14. April 24th Tie Report: Nance... I'm not sure about aquamarine, I would have said "royal blue", but "anorexic orchid" has me wondering, since I tend to think of orchid in tones of ivory, beige, etc. But you are right, there are orchids that color, which I might have called "faded raspberry." Whatever the description, it is a tie to be avoided like the plague. This only makes me think he must be planning a stunner for his next newscast. I missed tonight's live version, so... we'll see.

  15. OOPS... "ultramarine" O.K., I guess that is closer to "royal blue!"

  16. brookelina--i also appreciate the fact that pat riley has not succumbed to vanity and dyed his hair.

    fringes--i can't post daily; it would be drivel. i post about every four days. go cavs!

    princess of the universe--welcome to the Dept. and thanks for the link on your blog! i hope to see you here often. so you don't like the pants up look? and which team did you work for? how interesting!

    wordgirl--more highways should be sartorially splendid. i'll take it up with the ODT.

    ortizzle--you cut me to the quick. not only does this prove you are NOT a crayola girl, but that you do not own a good dictionary. orchid is definitely defined as a pale purple. sigh. and what on earth would make you question my word choice? if you only knew how exacting i am, or how many dictionaries and sources i consult...! but i do still care for you very deeply.

    oh, and i missed tonight's live broadcast, too. all my men were at table tonight, and we were bitching about our jobs. now that took some time.

  17. (ortizzle cowering in the corner): you're right, i am not a crayola girl, i just have a "feel" for colors, and i know what names i would give them if i worked for crayola, and as for the orchid, i am also not a flower person, i can barely tell a daisy from a daffodil, and silly me, i just had this dumb notion that orchids were white or ivory, whatever made me think that, oh well, but you have to admit, for a person who doesn't know a crayon from an orchid, i still think, imho, that "faded raspberry" is not a bad description of how that color looked on my computer screen, but anyway, please do not think i was questioning your word choice, i was just questioning my own ignorance, and apparently, not phrasing it all too well.

    so, as i crawl very cautiously back into my corner, i will leave you with the word verification i just got for this comment, "ckjrkag," in a very pretty classic teal, a color which cheers me immensely, because right now i feel like a perfect Ckjrkag. the fact that you still care for me very deeply is nothing short of miraculous. (damn. i just know there exists a white orchid somewhere.)

  18. April 25th Popsicle Purple Tie Report: Awesome. I could totally see that grape color. In fact, that color description was so good, a blind person could have seen that color. Or at least felt it. Colors must be felt.

    April 26th: I am so with you on the Purple and the Stripes. Before you go psychotic, why not send him a beautiful, uh, say, forest green tie? I looked him up on Wikipedia: HIS BIRTHDAY IS MAY 5th! (When he will turn 48, by the way). Anyway, you still have time. You could send it with an explanation of how you started the Tie Report, give him a link to DoN, etc., etc. This could be big. You could be on the Nightly News! Worse case scenario, HE MIGHT ACTUALLY WEAR THE TIE YOU SEND. C'mon, Nance. I'll go halves with you on the expense.

  19. O'tizz--oh heavens! no cowering necessary. there are most certainly white orchids, but the traditional and commoner orchid is light purple, and the color of orchid is, too. anyway, thanks for the kind review of my 4-25 review. and hopefully, you've already read my newest blogpost in which you're a star character. i didn't do it to just placate you, either. and don't think i'm not sorely tempted to send the man a tie. i am SO tempted.


Oh, thank you for joining the fray!

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